Under My Desk
by SofiaPolniaczek
Summary: A very dark, yet more realistic version of Amanda and Olivia's relationship. A one-shot. May make a series not sure yet, but if I do they will be rated M and just as rough. I love the combination, on the outside Olivia is dark and Amanda is light, but inside Liv is the light in Amanda's darkness.


"_Take me church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life."_

The blonde's apartment had been the closest to the crime scene and after the shouting match that had taken place between the two detectives, coming back here had been a no brainer. Busting through the door the older of the two found herself being shoved onto the counter shattering the dishes to the floor, but nothing could stop them. Clothes flew every direction as the heated encounter continued, an entire bookshelf hit the floor, the couch was flipped in a hurried attempt to get to the bedroom. Finally the game was too much for the blonde, roughly releasing the warm mouth she had been assaulting, the older one found herself facing the wall legs spread receiving the roughest yet most arousing pat down of her life. Without warning she felt even teeth sink into her pulse point and two fingers roughly enter her, knowing she was being marked didn't bother her quite the opposite actually as she felt her body begin to explode. "ROLLINS!"

"Get back up here, I'm not done with you Benson."

The next hour was spent with the blonde detective worshipping the sergeant's body until they were both covered in sweat, the sheets in a soaked wad in the floor, and a very sore but sated brunette breathing heavily at the foot of the bed.

"I'm going to shower and find our clothes, when you can move again you can join me. Then we better get back to the precinct."

These encounters had started a couple months ago and were always rough. Never before had it been at one of their apartments though and that had been the breaking moment for the younger woman. Standing in the shower washing the remnants of what had happened as the tears flowed down her face, hearing the bathroom door open she sucked up her feelings as her boss and the one woman she knew she shouldn't have feelings for snaked her arms around her waist.

"That was amazing, but..."

"But what?"

Spinning around Amanda felt that this was the moment she feared the most. She should have known how it would end, Olivia Benson was never going to be hers and she had been insane to think it would ever happen that way.

"But I can't do this anymore. Brian is back in town and wants to get back together, I just had to have this one more time. I'm going to get dressed and go back to the station I'll leave you cash for a cab. Thanks it's been fun."

And just like that the woman Amanda Rollins wanted more than anything walked out of her reach.

"_You're gone and i got to stay high_

_All the time_

_High ..all the time_

_to climb, too high_

_High ..all the time_

_to climb, too high_

_High.. all the time_

_To keep you off my mind"_

She didn't go to the precinct like she knew she should, instead after a quick text to Fin claiming a migraine she headed for the bar. Not even bothering to clean up her apartment she went to drown herself in a bottle of whiskey and forget. Four hours and a bottle of Jameson later Amanda found herself back at home. Sitting in a chair at her kitchen table she dove into a second bottle of the warm liquid head first drinking until her head thumped on the table. The same way it had for the past month everytime she wasn't at work Amanda was wasted, filling her spare time with whiskey and random women, but nothing helped except blacking out.

Hearing her phone ring she saw Olivia's name on the screen against her will she answered.

"Rollins."

"God you sound horrible. We got a case, Fin's on his way to get you."

"Yep, well see ya."

With that short goodbye the detective ended the call and rushed to the bathroom, emptying her stomach in the sink she looked in the mirror and realized if she sounded bad she looked dead. Washing her face and slipping into clean clothes, she sat back down to a cup of Irish coffee hoping a little hair of the dog would help her massive hangover. A text came through letting her know Fin was outside, sliding on her shades she made her way to the car.

"We got a stakeout, perp is avoiding his place, think he may be hiding at his moms. Jesus girl, you look like shit."

"Let's just go."

Seven hours later they both were still sitting in the car, having swapped seats for Fin to stretch his legs, Amanda sat with her head in her arms on the steering wheel.

"Time to come clean partner. What the hell is up with you? For a month straight you show up smelling like smoke and booze, looking like hell, and avoiding everyone especially Benson. Does this have anything to do with what happened in the crib, I walked in and let's just say you seem to know exactly what Liv needed."

"You saw? Yeah, yeah it does but just let it go man."

"I'm going to guess that stopped when Cassidy came back and in turn you're trying to self-destruct."

"Precisely I'm self-destructing, not taking anyone with me so what's the issue?"

"At least tell me why I'm going to have to bury my 33 year old partner, not because the job."

Fin was probably right she was going to kill herself but if she couldn't have the one person to make her feel alive why be alive. But he deserved the truth so with a deep breath she told the most heart breaking tale of her life.

"She hated me when I first came here, hated me. Well that lead to us constantly being down each others throats, somehow that fighting lead to the most intense fucking. It was to rough to be making love and to often to just be sex. Well fucking lead to the one thing that was severely stupid, I fell in love with Olivia Benson and you know the rest."

"_Now everybody round our town's been whisperin'_

_A tear in your eye says I should have been listenin'_

_Baby is someone else calling you baby_

_It's driving me crazy_

_This bein in the dark_

_Goodbye ain't never easy_

_So break it to me hard_

_If you're over my love girl_

_Lay it on my heart_

_Don't try to save me_

_Is someone else calling you baby?"_

Brian sat on the couch in Olivia's apartment looking around for what he felt would be the last time, he was terrified but knew the woman he loved more than anything had something he was afraid to hear.

"Olivia, sit down please, we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About why you've just been going through the motion, who is he?"

"Brian, I swear to you I have been physically faithful, but your right along the way I've lost my heart. Not to another man, but to the most amazing woman; she's beautiful, strong, and made my body do things I didn't know it could. When she first came here I couldn't stand her, by a month ago she had worked her way into not only my pants but my heart. But being me I was terrified and when you offered me a way out I took it. It isn't fair to you, it isn't fair to her and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. Brian I'm sorry, I truly am."

"Well I was hoping to be wrong but I guess I'll go now. Goodbye Sergeant Benson."

And just like that Brian was gone and Olivia had no one.

"_I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums_

_Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone_

_So while you're here in my arms_

_Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young"_

When their relief arrived Amanda convinced Fin to drop her off at the closest bar, promising to call a cab home. Walking in she immediately went to the bar slammed back five shots and went to the dance floor to find some relief for herself. Spotting a brunette on the opposite side Amanda made her way over and slid in behind her.

"You here alone darlin."

"Not exactly."

"Well damn we could of had some fun."

"Never said we couldn't."

Grabbing the woman's hand the detective drug her to the bathroom and slammed her into the first available stall, after thoroughly ravaging the stranger Amanda opened the lock and stepped out.

"What about you baby?"

"Ain't about me, just don't call me that."

Walking back through to the bar the blonde found herself pushed against the wall.

"That was my property."

"Didn't see your name on her and trust me I looked everywhere."

Before she could even process the detective felt a fist connect with the side of her face. Quickly snapping back to reality the blonde took out the woman's knees and after a few jabs flipped her onto her stomach subduing the would be attacker.

"See that badge, I suggest you let me walk out of here real quiet like, before I collar you with assault on an officer."

Still seething Amanda decided her best bet would be to head home and drink herself into oblivion at her kitchen table.

"_Baby when I look at you, with them baby blues,_

_cuttin' right through me._

_You set me on the rewind, back to the good times,_

_when you couldn't get enough of me._

_I guess I givin' myself away._

_Sayin' all the things I never did say._

_I lose myself, there's nothing else I can do._

_Baby, when I look at you"_

Sitting at her desk the next morning icing her black eye from the night before Amanda felt her heart stop, Olivia Benson was calling her to her office. Slowly making her way to her own personal version of hell the blonde stood in front of the mahogany desk.

"Close the door Rollins."

"Okay, what do you want Sergeant."

"What the hell happened to your face."

"You should see the other idiot."

"Not what I asked."

"Fine you want the truth, went to the bar last night and found a sweet little piece of ass. Took her to the bathroom and fucked her brains out and apparently the girlfriend she told me about didn't like to share. So we went a round or two then I went home and blacked out."

"So it is true, you're destroying yourself, I'm giving up on you."

"Don't act like you care because you don't. You didn't give a fuck when you walked out of my door over a month ago so don't pretend to now. It didn't matter to you but it sure as hell did to me. Fuck you Benson!"

As she made her way through the squad room the blonde realized her last sentence had been heard by all if the dropped jaws were any indication.

"Amaro tell the Sergeant I took a personal day."

Amanda spent the rest of the day walking around until dark, deciding she didn't want company she made her way to a small bar. Making her way to the far end of the scarred wooden bar she took a seat and paid up front for a bottle of whiskey. She was so lost in that bottle she missed the brunette walk in and take a seat at the opposite end ordering a beer. Neither woman noticed until blue eyes met brown across the room, throwing down her bottle the blonde quickly exited. After fending off the man who had been flirting with her Olivia Benson made her way to the door.

"_Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity_

_To seize everything you ever wanted. one moment_

_Would you capture it or just let it slip?"_

Running out into the cold New York night Olivia searched for the woman she sought, spotting the blonde head down an alley she followed suit running full speed. Closing the distance quickly she grabbed a handful of leather spinning the younger woman to face her.

"You're wrong about me."

"You said it yourself you gave up on me. You should probably get home I'm sure Cassidy misses you."

"Amanda Cassidy isn't there hasn't been for days. We ended it, there was someone else."

"Sorry he fucked around but I can't do this again Liv, I invested to much before. Hell you know my apartment still looks destroyed because the broken glass, the tipped furniture, the destroyed bed reminds me of you. I can still smell your sex in my room, I blackout at my kitchen table to avoid it."

Holding the blondes shoulders, the older woman took a deep breath and looked into broken blue eyes.

"He didn't cheat and neither did I, at least not on him. Amanda, baby, don't you get it. You were there the entire time. Everytime he touched me I could only think of how you did it better, how no one has ever made me cum so many times I passed out except you."

"I know I know how to please you, hell, even Fin saw that."

" I don't care what he saw, what I'm trying to say is I want another shot, a real shot. No games, not just sex, I want dates. I want to lay in your arms after completely sated, covered in sweat, and I want a chance to make you love me the way Cassidy made me realize I love you."

"I already do, Olivia Benson, I already do."

Without warning the brunette shoved the blonde into the wall and assaulted her warm mouth finally pulling away for air she wrapped her arm around the younger woman's shoulders. She had every intention of making the detective unable to walk to work in the morning.

"Oh and Rollins, if you ever scream fuck you in my office again, you better be under my desk."


End file.
